Something I got online

April 13, 2005

My Friend Reason,

Thank you for putting up with me while I go through my journey. It is like battling a demon.The battle is within me and something I feel I could not fight. You were right I have never felt this way before.You know why I said that?It is because I allowed my self to manipulate all the other system that is within my power.I shut all the possibilities that one day when I look back this would be my biggest regret.I shut it because I know I would never regret.A love so true has no regrets even if you don’t get what you work so hard for… in the end.That is why I disregard the idea that one day I would have to watch him leave and know that deep within me he is never coming back.He is indeed a dream, a dream I never wish to end.I am holding on to that dream that is why I wouldn’t want to let go yet, but holding on for as long as I can doesn’t mean holding on forever. I don’t believe in forever either that is what I used to because you said there is no such thing, but he made me believe in a lot of things and one of them which was we can stay this way for eternity. A moment with him is forever for more. Forever might be a word but it exists.It is a place where dreams come true… where hope do not go to oblivion, it is a place where kisses heals wounds where embrace can take away fears, where touch can take away doubts. That is forever and I believe him because I felt it. We may not last another week, another month or even years but he took me to that place where dates are mere numbers you count on to say that this is how long I have him for a moment and that is enough for me through this lifetime. Hopefully I can have him a little longer to lasts another lifetime.

Looking back, you and I have been together in everything and I can never keep a secret from you.You are too wise to be fooled.They say wise people are poor in the matters of the heart.I wish to erase that cliché.It is not true that I choose to beat for wrong people.I just do.You should know better that my beating is involuntary.If I could be held within the palm of the hand, then it would be a lot easier not to give any explanation.But I can’t be and this makes us human so I keep my feet on the ground the ground by feeling and hurting.You don’t have to make any excuses for me anymore or lie to me… because regardless of the tears and pain, I am happy.You asked me how I can take it… it is about loving without expecting to be loved back. I may say one thing but mean another… but when I say I love him… I really do.Love is not blind.It is only by the people who hoped to have more when they already have everything… it is about taking everything including those you hope to take away.I don’t have to see myself in his eyes just as long as he sees himself in mine.I don’t have to frown when I know his smiles weren’t mine just as long as I am smiling because of him and he knows it.

I am weak and might be helpless but how many weak and helpless have felt that am I feeling?It is a bliss that no word can contain.To define is to limit the feeling so I just enjoy it I have loved lost and grieved and yes I haven’t healed because I don’t want to heal.Healing is as good as forgetting and I wouldn’t want to forget.I have moved on the dealt of life equally well despite my handicap so I don’t need to heal and forget.

Before I end this, I want to tell you something you still probably wouldn’t understand but I know in time you would come to see it as I did. Love is not getting what you have not even getting what you deserve.It is getting nothing and somehow getting everything if you see it the way I did you wouldn’t ask anymore and still be wise.Perhaps if we can see again through the same eyes we used to look at before through the same window.Maybe they would say we are the first to break the cliché.

always,

—> HEART (more…)

Regrets

Browsing through Friendster yesterday, I found out that a pretty close friend of mine during my elementary days got married last December.  Not only that, I also discovered that quite a handful of my other classmates, be it in primary or secondary school, have already tied the knot (or already with kid/s of their own.  Whether they’re married or not is another issue altogether). (more…)