ARRGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is it me o me bug talaga dito?  Dunno if it our server here at the office or the site has bugs.  I can’t seem to edit my entries.  Ang hirap tuloy basahin.

Out of memory:  Line 22

Yun ang lumalabas everytime I try to edit and after I click the “save” icon.  Seesh…

Habemus Papam…

Early this morning, while watching a tribute for the Late Pope John Paul II, I learned that the College of Cardinals has already elected a new Pope only two days after the conclave begun.

*Sigh*

I still can’t believe that the Pope I have come to admire, respect and love has already passed away.  Pope Benedict XVI (real name: <Cardinal> Joseph Ratzinger) certainly has big shoes to fill.

BENEDICT XVI

19 April 2005

Annuntio vobis gaudium magnum;

habemus Papam:

Eminentissimum ac Reverendissimum Dominum,

Dominum Josephum

Sanctae Romanae Ecclesiae Cardinalem Ratzinger

qui sibi nomen imposuit Benedictum XVI
(more…)

Eggshells

Last Saturday, I watched The Wedding Date at Robinson’s Place.  Not a movie for those looking for something different, it is your usual rom-com (that’s romantic-comedy to you) that has the tag line, “Love doesn’t come cheap!”

Hah!  I couldn’t agree more.

But wait!  Don’t mistake this for a movie review.  That’s just not my cup of tea.  So why am I writing about watching the film here?  It’s because a line in the movie just got to me.  And it got to me real hard.

There was a scene when Kat Ellis (Debra Messing) was inside the bathroom with the door wide open while Nick Mercer (Dermot Mulroney) was looking at her from the bedroom.  Kat, on her toes, was looking at the mirror while wiping away here make-up.  Nick found this weird so he asked her, “Is that a habit you got from ballet class or from walking around eggshells?”  Kat replied, “I never took ballet class.” and slowly closed the door.

I didn’t give it much thought at first until later that day.  While I was taking a bath, I realized that I was standing on my toes.  And that I also have this habit of doing so everytime I’m infront of the computer typing away, while eating, or even when I’m just sitting.

Now that, I find weird.  I never took any formal ballet class (I was only the saling ket-ket then).  So I wondered if the latter part of what Nick said applies to me.

Walking around eggshells.

I never thought of myself as someone who’s too cautious about anybody.  Then again, I realized that I am too cautious about myself.  About the risk that I take and the decisions I make.  I am not someone who’d plunge head-on into something without thinking about it a hundred times.  I trust my head more than my heart.  For most of the times, this is a good thing.  But there are some things that needs to be decided with the heart.  Sad to say, I have ceased allowing my heart to get the better of me after I got hurt real bad during the one time I allowed so.  I guess I got traumatized by that.

And Kat did, too.  And as a result, she became too wary of trusting how she feels.  She got too afraid of falling in-love again that she never realized how important Nick was to her until it was almost too late.  By that time, Nick was already on his way home. 

The same thing almost happened to me.  I got so hung up on thinking of the “what ifs” of my previous relationship I failed to see what was right in-front of me at that time.  Good thing I learned in time.

(To be continued)

I’m getting old

When I was younger, I couldn’t wait to become a full-fleged adult.  For me, it would mean the fulfillment of a lot of things.  Voting for one.  Ever since I witnessed the election of “Erap”, I couldn’t wait to be one of those who decides the fate of future generations (voting, that is).  Then there is the extended curfew by my parents.  Finally I can go home at midnight.  And I also want to be able to earn and handle my own money.

But when I finally became a grown-up (in numbers, at least), all I seem to do now is to reminisce what it was like when I was younger.  When all I needed to do was pass my exams and that was it.  Yes there were a lot of restrictions but there was also a lot a freedom that I no longer enjoy.

Then somebody gave me this piece.  I realized that a lot that are stated here are true.  And it made me think.  Am I really willing to give up what I had before for what I have now?

Geez…  frankly I don’t know the answer to that question.  How about you? (more…)

Something I got online

My Friend Reason,

Thank you for putting up with me while I go through my journey. It is like battling a demon.The battle is within me and something I feel I could not fight. You were right I have never felt this way before.You know why I said that?It is because I allowed my self to manipulate all the other system that is within my power.I shut all the possibilities that one day when I look back this would be my biggest regret.I shut it because I know I would never regret.A love so true has no regrets even if you don’t get what you work so hard for… in the end.That is why I disregard the idea that one day I would have to watch him leave and know that deep within me he is never coming back.He is indeed a dream, a dream I never wish to end.I am holding on to that dream that is why I wouldn’t want to let go yet, but holding on for as long as I can doesn’t mean holding on forever. I don’t believe in forever either that is what I used to because you said there is no such thing, but he made me believe in a lot of things and one of them which was we can stay this way for eternity. A moment with him is forever for more. Forever might be a word but it exists.It is a place where dreams come true… where hope do not go to oblivion, it is a place where kisses heals wounds where embrace can take away fears, where touch can take away doubts. That is forever and I believe him because I felt it. We may not last another week, another month or even years but he took me to that place where dates are mere numbers you count on to say that this is how long I have him for a moment and that is enough for me through this lifetime. Hopefully I can have him a little longer to lasts another lifetime.

Looking back, you and I have been together in everything and I can never keep a secret from you.You are too wise to be fooled.They say wise people are poor in the matters of the heart.I wish to erase that cliché.It is not true that I choose to beat for wrong people.I just do.You should know better that my beating is involuntary.If I could be held within the palm of the hand, then it would be a lot easier not to give any explanation.But I can’t be and this makes us human so I keep my feet on the ground the ground by feeling and hurting.You don’t have to make any excuses for me anymore or lie to me… because regardless of the tears and pain, I am happy.You asked me how I can take it… it is about loving without expecting to be loved back. I may say one thing but mean another… but when I say I love him… I really do.Love is not blind.It is only by the people who hoped to have more when they already have everything… it is about taking everything including those you hope to take away.I don’t have to see myself in his eyes just as long as he sees himself in mine.I don’t have to frown when I know his smiles weren’t mine just as long as I am smiling because of him and he knows it.

I am weak and might be helpless but how many weak and helpless have felt that am I feeling?It is a bliss that no word can contain.To define is to limit the feeling so I just enjoy it I have loved lost and grieved and yes I haven’t healed because I don’t want to heal.Healing is as good as forgetting and I wouldn’t want to forget.I have moved on the dealt of life equally well despite my handicap so I don’t need to heal and forget.

Before I end this, I want to tell you something you still probably wouldn’t understand but I know in time you would come to see it as I did. Love is not getting what you have not even getting what you deserve.It is getting nothing and somehow getting everything if you see it the way I did you wouldn’t ask anymore and still be wise.Perhaps if we can see again through the same eyes we used to look at before through the same window.Maybe they would say we are the first to break the cliché.

always,

—> HEART (more…)

Regrets

Browsing through Friendster yesterday, I found out that a pretty close friend of mine during my elementary days got married last December.  Not only that, I also discovered that quite a handful of my other classmates, be it in primary or secondary school, have already tied the knot (or already with kid/s of their own.  Whether they’re married or not is another issue altogether). (more…)

Non omnia morias

I once had a discussion with friends as to what we would put on our epitaphs.  The answers ranged from the serious to the equally absurd.  One friend wanted to put, “Finally” in his.  Another wanted, “I am home”.  Me?  Well frankly, I’ve already thought of mine a long time ago.  It would be:  Non omnia morias.

Non omnia morias?

Yes, Non omnia morias.  It’s Latin for, “Not All Of Me Will Die”.

One friend who knows the meaning asked me, “Why so angsty?  And why are you being so morbid?”  I could only quip, “Well, the mere thought of death brings out that part in any body.  Being morbid, I mean.  As for the angsty part, I have enough reasons to be so I guess that answer would just have to suffice you.”

Hehehehe.  Talk about evading the topic.

The thing is, I don’t find my epitaph-to-be angsty at all.  I just want to get it across to whoever would chance upon my grave that despite being six feet under, with my body probably getting eaten by maggots and slowly rotting away from existence, a part of me still lives on, be it inside somebody else’s heart or mind.  I have this dream of leaving behind a legacy for the next generation to see, if not appreciate.  It doesn’t need to be something big, just something that I know will get some recognition from some people.  Having been called a pretty decent writer by some “loyal” friends, I am in the process of compiling all that I have written during the course of my twenty three year existence.  If the heavens will permit me to live a few more years, perhaps sixty or more, I could probably add some more to my collection.  This collection I will then give to my grandchildren so that they will have something to remember “Grams” by.  Then, who knows, I might actually want to publish it (which I am not inclined to do at the moment since I am not THAT confident of my writing).

Angsty?  Perhaps.  Morbid?  Definitely.  But then, who cares?

Reminiscing

April 11, 2004 was Easter Sunday, the highest celebration in the Church Calendar.    A day to remember the resurrection of the Lord.  A day every Christian looks forward to.

Heck the only reason I was looking forward to Easter Sunday when I was younger was so that I could finally eat meat again!  And I thought it would still be the same last year.  Boy, was I wrong.  Dead wrong.

A year ago today, on an Easter Sunday, my more than seven-year relationship ended.  My relationship with the guy whom I’ve been with since our junior years in high school.  The guy who promised never to hurt me, never to leave my side called it quits.  OK so I was the one who ended it, technically but it was him who wanted to end it.

I felt betrayed, even cheated.  It ended without any caveat on his part, no explanations.  Up until now, with both of us being in new relationships, he still refuses to talk to me and tell me why. 

I am no longer bitter about what happened.  The pain still lingers but I’m happier now.  Definitely I am.  The person I am with right now makes me happy in a way I never thought possible.

But let me reminisce.  Just this once.  Let me look back at what once was.  Let me shed tears for what could have been and what will no longer be.

For afterwards, I will be happy.

Of tables and friendships (my high school story)

High school… *sigh* everytime I think of my high school life, I can’t help but smile.  For me, it is the peak of my student days, specifically my junior years.  III-Mapagkalinga… high school and beyond… (more…)

What it means to serve

I am a public servant.  I have been one since I graduated from the university.  Working for the government was never an option for me.  It was my only choice.  Having been blessed to be called a “Iskolar ng Bayan”, all I wanted was to give back to the people what they spent on me. (more…)